Why Didn’t He Call?

It has happened to the best of us. You went out on a date (or two) with someone, had what you thought was a great time, were assured by your date that they would call and then…nothing. No call, no text, no smoke signal—nada. You replay the interactions with this person in your head and wonder what exactly went wrong. You ask yourself if you missed something.

So why does it happen? Below, are some of the top questions to ask yourself when a dating partner cuts off contact.

Was it too much too fast?

Sometimes we get excited about a new relationship and we have ideas about what our lives could be together. Sometimes we let those ideas take a stroll out of our mouths. Early on, we might be better served keeping these thoughts to ourselves. It’s okay to be enthusiastic about a new partner, but maybe date two is not the time to discuss the fabulous Spanish vacation you’re going to take together since you both love tapas.

That said, I must admit, I subscribe to the idea that in a good match, things do tend to move a bit more swiftly, in terms of both plans to spend time together and even levels of commitment. However, the pace should feel appropriate and comfortable for both partners. If you’re on date three and both of you are gushing over the beautiful children that you’re going to have together—more power to you.

Was it really amazing?

In the dating process, it can be hard to find anyone we like, let alone could imagine a future with. So when a person comes along who is even somewhat of an appropriate match, we can get pretty pumped. But go back and ask yourself—was it really great? Did you really see a potential future with this person? Did you actually enjoy their company? Or was it more that it simplywasn’t awful? An absence of big red flags does not a love affair make.

Did you express interest?

Women especially are told not to appear too eager (read: thirsty) to their dates. The thing is, each person has to show that they’re actually interested, or else the other will assume there is no reason to continue spending time together. This means responding to text messages, answering phone calls, and expressing at least some degree of enthusiasm for seeing this person in the future. If you are into the other person, be clear about it.

Note: this is not the same thing as talking about your future Spanish vacation or potential beautiful children.

They’re not interested…and that’s okay.

So admittedly this last one is a statement and not a question. But let’s face it, sometimes a person is not interested. Just as there are plenty of potential partners that come into your life who you’re not particularly hype about, there are going to be folks who aren’t into you. Online Dating Coach, Erika Ettin, likes to remind her clients that dating is a numbers game. To find a good match, you will likely have to go on a good number of dates, and almost all of those folks won’t be The One.

That said, it’s okay to feel sad or disappointed about the fact that you liked this person and they no longer want to see you. It can be hurtful, and you don’t have to pretend otherwise. Be gentle with yourself.

Dating can be tough. Putting yourself out there, facing potential rejection, managing disappointment—it can be hard. When you acknowledge this reality while also committing to loving and respecting yourself, it frees you from having to endlessly debate about why it didn’t work out with a particular partner.